S - Sexuality

Sexuality - His Desire for Sexual Intimacy

Ladies, you had to expect this one was coming. There is only a quote that I picked up from this chapter that I thought I would share: "just as the devil will do everything he can to bring two people together sexually before marriage, he does everything he can to keep them away from each other after marriage."

I think this is obvious. Don't deprive your husband in order to get him to open up to you verbally or to meet any other needs you may have. How would you feel if he, on purpose, withheld from you emotionally until you satisfied him sexually?

Respect their needs, respect their desire - after all, it's for you! Isn't it? He will feel you appreciate his desire for sexual intimacy when:

• you respond to him sexually more often and initiate sex periodically
• you understand he needs sexual release just as you need emotional release

I - Insight

Insight - His Desire to Analyze and Counsel

To make it short and sweet, your husband will feel you appreciate and respect his insight and counsel when...

• you tell him upfront you just need his ear; don't complain to him later that he always tries to "fix" you
• you thank him for his advice without acting insulted or like he doesn't care about your feelings
• you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy
• you sometimes let him "fix things" and applaud his solutions
• you admit when you're wrong and in sin and thank him for his perception and godly counsel

I can't promote this book any harder than I am. My husband is not a 'reader,' (which I've had to learn to accept and respect) but at opportune moments, I have been able to engage him into short conversations about the book's ideas. His feedback has been terrific, and keeps in line with what Eggerichs writes. I encourage ALL you wives out there to get yourselves a copy and start reading this book with an open mind and a heart willing to be convicted and changed by your Holy Father.

A - Authority

Authority - Appreciate his Desire to Serve and to Lead

This chapter, as the ones previous, obviously bring up some touchy issues with some women. So many people in marriage today think equality is the way to go. Or women want their husbands to make the decisions, as long as the decisions keep with what they (the wives) want. It's like, women want the power without the responsibility.

There are women out there complaining about their passive husbands. I wonder if they've stopped to consider that they've deflated their husband and stripped him of his authority by quietly taking over the marriage. It is likely that every time he wanted to make a decision, she had a better idea. Therefore, after a while, the husband tires of this, and "gives up." The Apostle Peter actually empowers women by saying women can win their husbands without a word through their "chaste and respectful behavior" (1 Peter 3:1-2).

The husband has more authority because he has more responsibility before God--the responsibility to die for you, if necessary.

It's funny (not really) how women feel the most effective way to send a message to their husbands about how unloved they are feeling, is to disrespect them by belittling his abilities, undermining his decisions, being resistent of his counsel, unfriendly, and being disinterested in physical intimacy. Eggerichs' quotes one wife in this chapter saying "I thought if I did all of this, he'd get the message that I was hurting, frustrated, and angry and that he'd move toward me with understanding and love." This is probably as effective as your husband withholding his love to you in an attempt to win your respect. Unlikely.

Appreciating and respecting my husband's desire to lead our family and make good decisions takes faith in God! Simply put, if I fail to do this, ultimately, I do not trust God.

Some practical tips Eggerichs' gives at the end of this chapter are:

• you support his self-image as a leader
• you praise his good decisions
• you are gracious if he makes a bad decision
• you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids
• you do not play "head games" with him to make him back down and be a "loving peacemaker"

H - Hierarchy

Hierarchy: Appreciate His Desire to Protect and Provide

This is another desire God built into the good-willed man: the desire to protect and provide, and even die for, his family. Hierarchy may sound chauvanistic to some, but the Biblical definition of a man's responsibility is far from it. Ephesians 5:22-24 says "Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church. He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything." God hasn't given husbands some dominating, dicatorship over their wives, but a tremendous responsibility.

One quote that really stuck out at me in this chapter was: "The problem many women have today--including Christian wives--is that they want to be treated like a princess, but deep down they resist treating their husbands like the king. They aren't willing to recognzie that in the depth of his very soul a husband wants to be the one who provides and protects--he wants to be an umbrella of protection who would willingly die for his wife if need be."

Because of this deep seeded desire to protect and provide for their wives, men are EXTREMELY sensitive to put-downs from their wives in this area of providing for their family. The fastest way a woman can deflate her husband, is to tell him to get a second job, or put-down his current one, or be sarcastic about his wage.

Your Husband Will Feel You Appreciate His Desire to Protect and Provide When:

• you verbalize your admiration of him for protecting you and being willing to die for you.
• you praise his commitment to provide for and protect you and the family (he needs to know you don't take this for granted)
• you empathize when he reveals his male mind-set about position, status, rank, or being one-up or one-down, particularly at work.
• you never, in word or body language, put down his job or how much he makes.
• you quietly and respectfully voice concerns about finances and try to offer solutions on where you might be able to cut spending.