Revisit A Favorite Resource

Thought I would re-post this from 2007! Much has changed in our family's situation. Three more little ones have entered our family since writing this, we have sold the house my husband worked on renovating for 6 years, and we are learning French in Quebec City before we move to Africa! One thing remains though -  and that is my husband's desire for friendship with me..... I invite you to read on about what Eggerich's has to say from his excellent book Love & Respect.

Relationship - His desire for Friendship (Originally posted to this blog in 2007)

This chapter totally made sense to me and I bear testimony of this being true in my marriage. My husband always has different projects going on, with the house, the vehicles, with his guns, etc. When the weather was warmer, and he was outside working in his shop or in the yard, he would ask me to just come outside. He didn't expect me to do anything, he just wanted me to be watching or nearby. I quickly learned that he didn't even necessarily want to talk about anything. Just having me outside was enough.

Our evening routine is the television. We put our daughter to bed, and then both of us seem to veg out watching a sitcom or something on Discovery Channel (my husband's favorite of which I found funny the author used that as his example). I've often felt guilty that we're not doing something more meaningful in the evenings. Shouldn't we be talking or playing a game, or something together? After reading what Eggerichs says about the husband's need for relationship, and what it means to him, I realized that I am doing exactly what my husband wants. It doesn't matter that we're not having dynamic conversations every minute that we're together. All my husband wants, is for me to be with him.

Your Husband will Feel You Value His Shoulder-to-Shoulder Friendship When:

• you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).
• you respond to his invitation to engage in recreational activites together or you come along ot watch him.
• you enable him to open up and talk to you as you do things shoulder to shoulder.
• you encourage him to spend time alone, which energizes him to reconnect with you later.
• You don't denounce his shoulder-to-shoulder activites
  with his male friends to get him to spend more face-to-face time with you. Respect his friendships, and he will be more likely to want you to join him shoulder to shoulder at other times.

So, how about your experience with your husband? Does he fit this description? I'd be interested in hearing about it!

For The Record: To Clarify!!

I have this small incling that my previous post was misunderstood by some readers. I must clarify any misunderstandings, because my ultimate desire is to bring glory to God and honor to my husband! This is going to seem very counter-cultural to some women out there, but I whole-heartedly believe it is what the Scripture tells us, and we can't exactly argue with that now, can we?

To clarify, I wrote about my struggles with living amongst renovations, NOT to complain about my husband's vision or what he is doing... but because I wanted to express to people that I totally struggle when it comes to responding with a proper attitude when the pressure is on, or when things aren't going "my way!" Imagine that! Who'd have thought it, eh? LOL ;)

It really doesn't matter what road my husband takes our family down, because he is the head of our family and accountable to God for it. What matters is my purpose as his wife. It's pretty clear in Genesis 2:20 "But for Adam no suitable helper was found." (bold is mine) So God created a wife for him for that purpose. And, by helper, it does not mean somebody calling the shots behind the scenes. Wives have been created to compliment their husband's plans, to adapt their lives to their husband's dreams and desires. I can testify first hand that when I have seen women do this in their marriage, it is the most beautiful thing! It is truly God's plan. On the other hand, a disdainful thing is watching a woman constantly try to change her husband and "encourage" him to go another direction. I blogged about the God given authority our husbands have back in 2007 in a post called A-Authority, and also here.

So what am I trying to say? For one, I apologize for writing that post about our renos if it gave any sort of indication that I disrespect or dishonor my husband for making these decisions. For two, my God-given responsibility as his wife is to help him and build him up, so he can be the leader God desires him to be.

Spiritual Encourager

On Sunday morning our pastor spoke on Philippians 2:3-4

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you shoud look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."

One of his points in the sermon related to us encouraging our spouses or others in our lives in their spiritual walks. Are we doing this? And what does that look like, exactly? So, specifically I dwelt on the first point, "How can I encourage my husband in his spiritual relationship with Christ, and also, my children's personal relationships with Jesus?"

I must, firstly understand that evidence of a growing personal relationship with Jesus will probably look different in my husband's life than in mine. I can't tell him he should be reading the Bible more, or initiating prayer time or whatever!

---Philippians 2:3-4 is a pretty tough command to follow. Do nothing out of selfish ambition [...] consider others better than yourselves [...] look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. It goes against our natural programming to look out for ourselves first and try to get ahead in every area of our lives. In following this command we actually have to deny ourself and treat others and their needs as more important than our own! Probably not a new idea to many, but it's still just as challenging I'll bet.

Could this be the beginning step to encouraging my family to grow closer to Jesus? The verse from Peter also comes to mind. In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives. (1 Pet. 3:1-2 NLT)

When it may seem we are doing nothing directly, we are actually hugely impacting them as we serve God by serving and respecting them. It may even seem as though they don't even notice, but God notices. And isn't that the most important? The Holy Spirit is the one who will do the major convicting and transforming. We are called to encourage, to come alongside, to help reach a common goal or purpose. But we won't be the one to change the heart. That's God's business.

S - Sexuality

Sexuality - His Desire for Sexual Intimacy

Ladies, you had to expect this one was coming. There is only a quote that I picked up from this chapter that I thought I would share: "just as the devil will do everything he can to bring two people together sexually before marriage, he does everything he can to keep them away from each other after marriage."

I think this is obvious. Don't deprive your husband in order to get him to open up to you verbally or to meet any other needs you may have. How would you feel if he, on purpose, withheld from you emotionally until you satisfied him sexually?

Respect their needs, respect their desire - after all, it's for you! Isn't it? He will feel you appreciate his desire for sexual intimacy when:

• you respond to him sexually more often and initiate sex periodically
• you understand he needs sexual release just as you need emotional release

I - Insight

Insight - His Desire to Analyze and Counsel

To make it short and sweet, your husband will feel you appreciate and respect his insight and counsel when...

• you tell him upfront you just need his ear; don't complain to him later that he always tries to "fix" you
• you thank him for his advice without acting insulted or like he doesn't care about your feelings
• you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy
• you sometimes let him "fix things" and applaud his solutions
• you admit when you're wrong and in sin and thank him for his perception and godly counsel

I can't promote this book any harder than I am. My husband is not a 'reader,' (which I've had to learn to accept and respect) but at opportune moments, I have been able to engage him into short conversations about the book's ideas. His feedback has been terrific, and keeps in line with what Eggerichs writes. I encourage ALL you wives out there to get yourselves a copy and start reading this book with an open mind and a heart willing to be convicted and changed by your Holy Father.

A - Authority

Authority - Appreciate his Desire to Serve and to Lead

This chapter, as the ones previous, obviously bring up some touchy issues with some women. So many people in marriage today think equality is the way to go. Or women want their husbands to make the decisions, as long as the decisions keep with what they (the wives) want. It's like, women want the power without the responsibility.

There are women out there complaining about their passive husbands. I wonder if they've stopped to consider that they've deflated their husband and stripped him of his authority by quietly taking over the marriage. It is likely that every time he wanted to make a decision, she had a better idea. Therefore, after a while, the husband tires of this, and "gives up." The Apostle Peter actually empowers women by saying women can win their husbands without a word through their "chaste and respectful behavior" (1 Peter 3:1-2).

The husband has more authority because he has more responsibility before God--the responsibility to die for you, if necessary.

It's funny (not really) how women feel the most effective way to send a message to their husbands about how unloved they are feeling, is to disrespect them by belittling his abilities, undermining his decisions, being resistent of his counsel, unfriendly, and being disinterested in physical intimacy. Eggerichs' quotes one wife in this chapter saying "I thought if I did all of this, he'd get the message that I was hurting, frustrated, and angry and that he'd move toward me with understanding and love." This is probably as effective as your husband withholding his love to you in an attempt to win your respect. Unlikely.

Appreciating and respecting my husband's desire to lead our family and make good decisions takes faith in God! Simply put, if I fail to do this, ultimately, I do not trust God.

Some practical tips Eggerichs' gives at the end of this chapter are:

• you support his self-image as a leader
• you praise his good decisions
• you are gracious if he makes a bad decision
• you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids
• you do not play "head games" with him to make him back down and be a "loving peacemaker"

H - Hierarchy

Hierarchy: Appreciate His Desire to Protect and Provide

This is another desire God built into the good-willed man: the desire to protect and provide, and even die for, his family. Hierarchy may sound chauvanistic to some, but the Biblical definition of a man's responsibility is far from it. Ephesians 5:22-24 says "Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church. He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything." God hasn't given husbands some dominating, dicatorship over their wives, but a tremendous responsibility.

One quote that really stuck out at me in this chapter was: "The problem many women have today--including Christian wives--is that they want to be treated like a princess, but deep down they resist treating their husbands like the king. They aren't willing to recognzie that in the depth of his very soul a husband wants to be the one who provides and protects--he wants to be an umbrella of protection who would willingly die for his wife if need be."

Because of this deep seeded desire to protect and provide for their wives, men are EXTREMELY sensitive to put-downs from their wives in this area of providing for their family. The fastest way a woman can deflate her husband, is to tell him to get a second job, or put-down his current one, or be sarcastic about his wage.

Your Husband Will Feel You Appreciate His Desire to Protect and Provide When:

• you verbalize your admiration of him for protecting you and being willing to die for you.
• you praise his commitment to provide for and protect you and the family (he needs to know you don't take this for granted)
• you empathize when he reveals his male mind-set about position, status, rank, or being one-up or one-down, particularly at work.
• you never, in word or body language, put down his job or how much he makes.
• you quietly and respectfully voice concerns about finances and try to offer solutions on where you might be able to cut spending.

Love & Respect - Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

The Love She Most Desires / The Respect He Desperately Needs

I have been reading a fantastic book by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs called Love & Respect. Eggerichs' believes that wives' and husbands' basic emotional need is different: husbands ultimately needing unconditional respect from their wives, and wives desiring unconditional love from their husbands. Eggerichs argues that these needs feed off each other and describes it using a diagram called the "Crazy Cycle."

While writing the book, he discovered that most wives weren't sure how to show respect to their husbands, and husbands were in the dark when it came to showing how much they loved their wives. This didn't necessarily mean that either the wife lacked respect for her husband, or her husband lacked love for his wife. But both needed help in showing their respect and love to each other.

The acronym C-H-A-I-R-S was born to give wives practical ways they can show unconditional respect toward their husband.

C- Conquest: "the natural, inborn desire to go out and conquer the challenges of his world--to work and achieve." Some practical ways Eggerichs encourages wives to show respect toward their husbands have to do with appreciating his desire to work and achieve:

• tell him verbally or in wiriting that you value his work efforts
• express your faith in him related to his chosen field
• listen to his work stories as closely as you expect him to listen to your accounts of what happens in the family
• see yourself as his helpmate and counterpart and talk with him about this whenever possible
• allow him to dream as you did when you were courting/dating
• don't dishonor or subtly criticize his work "in the field" to get him to show more love "in the family"

To answer your question...

Q. So if your husband makes a bad decision, is it the wife's place to advise him of making a different decision or is it the wife's place to sit quietly by and suffer the consequences with the man?

An excellent question! First, above everything else, go to the scripture and discover your role as your husband’s wife. Nowhere do we find instruction to instruct our husband or give him advice without him asking for it first. This question prompted me to quote from one of my favorite books from Debi Pearl, “Created To Be His Help-Meet”:

God made you to be a helper to your husband so you can bolster him, making him more productive and efficient at whatever he chooses to do. You are not on the board of directors with an equal vote. You have no authority to set the agenda. But if he can trust you, he will make you his closest advisor, his confidente, his press, secretary, his head of state, his vice-president, his ambassador, his public relations expert, maybe even his speech writer – all at his discretion. A perfect helper is one who does not require a list of chores, as would a child. Her readiness to please motivates her to look around and see the things she knows her husband would like to see done. She would not use lame excuses to avoid these jobs. A man would know he had a fine woman if she were this kind of helper. Such a blessed husband would receive honor from other men as they admire and praise his handy wife. “A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband” (Proverbs 12:4). It is our job to learn how we can help our husbands in every way possible.

1 Peter 3:6B says "do what is right and do not give way to fear," meaning, we are to obey God's role for us as women and trust Him when our husbands make a bad choice. God has given us the answer to that very situation. He knew that our husband wouldn't always make the right decision or lead us down the perfect path everytime. But we are to trust God and not fear! God will stand by us when we stand by our man.

I hope this answers your question. :)

June 4 ~ 1 Peter 3:3-6

I Peter 3:3-6
Our beauty should not come solely from our outward physical appearance. Instead of spending hours and hours on our physical beauty, we should be focusing most effort on our inner self - the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit. What does that look like?
- A woman who honours her husband above all men and regards him as her leader
- A woman who never speaks a negative word against her husband in private or to another individual
- A woman who studies scripture and applies it in her own life
- A woman who clings to God and the Holy Spirit for strength and power
- A woman who focuses attention on doing good deeds and nurturing her family
- A woman who is self-controlled, pure, busy at home (not lazy), kind, subject to her own husband. (Titus 2:5)

Do not give way to fear. (I Peter 3:6B) This suggests that submitting to our husband and following him could be scary and a little worrisome at times. I think the writer is absolutely bang on. A woman is afraid her husband won't lead well, or do something stupid, so she is always tempted to try leading herself or pushing her own idea on her husband. This is counter-productive. What person feels more confident to lead when they're being told by another that they're not doing a good job? Women destroy the leadership in their man. Instead of encouraging their man and praying for them, the woman takes over and tries to show him she can do a better job. How awful. But it happens everywhere and is a struggle in every marriage.